Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Teens and Tax Time

It’s the time of year when we start to think about doing our taxes.  That makes it a good time to talk to your teens about taxes, what they are and where they go.

An easy place to start is with sales taxes.  Most communities have taxes on the items you purchase (other than food).  When you purchase items for the home or your child saves up to buy a toy, help them notice the extra cost of taxes.  If your state does not have sales taxes, believe me, they come from somewhere else, usually property taxes.  Find out how your local government is funded.  Where does the money come from to repair the potholes? To run the schools? To pay policemen and firemen?

When my husband and I went to Ukraine in 1999, there were potholes in some roads big enough and deep enough to swallow a car.  Yikes.  That was a picture of a government that was not functioning well.

Another place is to show your teen how much you pay in taxes on gasoline and tires.  These funds go to build roads.  Part of the fees on tires is for the disposal of the old ones. (How many million must there be every year?!)

Talk about the things the state government funds such as schools, colleges, prisons, and roads.  (Funded by state income taxes.)  Look at how park fees are used in your state.  It is easy to take these things for granted until their existence is threatened.

And of course, the federal government funds the military, welfare and food stamp programs and so on.  Explain income taxes to your teenager.  When they are old enough to have a part-time job, they will be filing income taxes even if it is just the post card.  Help them understand what the deductions on a paycheck are for.  When Social Security is deducted, employers pay half.  If you are self-employed, you pay the whole thing.  You can also discuss the income tax deduction that is allowed for each child in a family.  Yay!

Another fun thing to discuss is “Tax Freedom Day,” the day of the year on which the average person has earned enough to pay all their various taxes.  In 2000 it fell on May 1.  For 2017 it fell on April 24.  That means over 31% of all the earnings of an average person go to pay taxes.

Jesus even addressed the need to pay taxes.  (Matthew 17:24-27 and Matthew 22:15-22)  

The saying goes that there are two things that are inevitable:  death and taxes.  We may not like paying taxes, but people who don’t pay their taxes go to jail.  And we certainly are thankful for the good life we have in the United States.

For more parenting help go to www.IntentionalParenting.us or consider my book, Intentional Parenting: A Guide for Christian Parents.  There is also a Small Group guide with discussion questions for couples or groups.

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

NURTURING as a Parent

Last week you may have seen the story in the news about the California family with 12 children, ages 2 to 29, who were discovered in horrendous conditions.  My heart broke, and it weighed on me all week.  How can any parent treat their own children in this way?  Oh, my goodness!  There must be some serious mental health issues with those parents!

So, I have been thinking, what does a nurturing parent really look like?  Does it come more easily to those who are people-oriented than those who are task-oriented?  I think for some it does, but some people-oriented people pay more attention to people other than their own children, so that is not an automatic answer. 

Task-oriented or People-oriented?

I am more prone to being task-oriented than people-oriented, and I must discipline my focus at times.  I had an aunt who wouldn’t let her kids mess up the house at all.  I let our children make huge tents in their bedrooms, in the family room, and occasionally connected all down the hallway.  What fun!  After two or three days, they had to come down, but by then we were all ready for a little order.

Nurturing Defined

The dictionary defines nurture as to care for and encourage the growth or development of something.  Synonyms include tend, raise, look after, support, rear or foster. (Google) More than just having fun with your kids, I think of a gardener tending seedlings, raising them up until they are ready to be transplanted outside when the weather and conditions are right.

What Does it Take?

To nurture our children, we must take time with them.  We have to listen to them.   (For more on how to listen as a parent, see pp. 283-286 in my book, Intentional Parenting: A Guide for Christian Parents.)  If they are not talkers, we must draw them out, ask leading questions, help them express and explain their feelings and needs.  We must be affectionate.  We should hold them when they are small, hug them and pat them on the back or shoulder when they get older.  This may seem awkward when teen girls begin to develop.  Dads may feel self-conscious with their daughter’s budding womanhood, but young girls don’t understand that.  Have them sit by you on the couch and put an arm around their shoulders.  Dad still needs to be the most important man in a teen girl’s life.  Adjust the boundaries, but don’t stop being affectionate. 

Nurturers care for children and family members when they are sick.  We hurt with them when they are hurt – and tenderly bandage them up.  We listen when their friend lets them down.  We root for them as they fight to conquer the challenges they face.

Nurturers learn to speak each child’s love language.  (See The 5 Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.)  They try to make sure their child’s emotional tank is filled in the way that touches their heart the most, whether it is physical touch and closeness, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, or quality time.

Nurturing in the Bible

Scripture talks about how natural nurturing is.
“Can a woman forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.”  (Isaiah 49:15 NASB)

In the story of the two women arguing over the baby before King Solomon, the baby’s mother was willing to give up the child so it could live rather than have the baby divided by a sword. (1Kings 3:16-27)  Her love and tenderness identified her as the correct mother. 

A friend of mine who was a nanny for several different families found that children who are nurtured by their own parents (even though their time was limited) presented fewer behavior challenges, handled life’s difficulties with more confidence, and were all-around happier people.

Dads Can Nurture Too

And it is not just moms who nurture.  Just like God is the husbandman (gardener, farmer, shepherd, etc.) who sees to the growth and development of all that is under his care, fathers have a natural desire to do the same.  They watch to see what a child’s natural bent is.  Athletics?  Computers?  Engineering?  Accounting?  They help find ways to encourage each family member’s growth and development.  It was my husband who made me teach the kids to do chores.  I felt it was easier to do them myself, which was true.  He said that would not serve them well when they grew up.  He said, “Anything they can learn to do, I want you to teach them.”  I took a deep breath and embraced the hard work ahead of me.  Now that they are adults, people often comment on how capable and impressive they are.

Nurturing takes time.  This is a tall order for single parents.  It is hard for busy working moms.  Move it up your priority list.  Your care and tenderness are an example of God’s love for all his children.  Enjoy this natural, lovely part of parenting.

For more parenting help go to www.IntentionalParenting.us or consider my book, Intentional Parenting: A Guide for Christian Parents.  There is also a Small Group guide with discussion questions for couples or groups.

Tuesday, January 16, 2018


Valentines Day is right around the corner.  You can use this as a teachable moment for your children.  It usually means some sort of exchange of little cards at school or with friends, and perhaps some challenges with friendships or lack of friendships.  There is an undercurrent (or perhaps something more in-your-face) of pairing up.  So often, this is a time when pre-teens may worry about whether they will ever be liked, accepted or wanted by someone of the opposite sex.  (Belonging and acceptance are foundational needs for every human being.)

As a parent you can set the tone for Valentine’s Day.  Here are some things you can talk about while you are addressing Valentines cards or doing that cute craft project. (There are some downloads and ideas at http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/holidays/valentines-day-cards-and-activities.)
  • ·         Discuss the legend of St. Valentine, for whom this holiday was named.  According to www.history.com he was a Catholic monk who was martyred in Rome.  Claudius the Cruel (what a name!) had forbidden engagements and marriages, wanting to get more young men to join his army.  Valentine felt that was wrong and continued to secretly perform weddings.  He was beheaded for it.  He is said to have left a note for a young friend signed, “From Your Valentine.”
  • ·         Talk about the love of God – He is the author of all love. (1 John 4:7) Because of His love, He gave us Jesus. (1 John 3:16) He wants us to love one another. (1 John 3:11) If someone does not love others, he cannot claim to be a Christian. (1 John 4:8)
  • ·         Children and teenagers need to learn how to be a good friend before they worry about falling in love.  Friendship is the foundation for a good marriage.  Dr. James Dobson wrote long ago that friendship was the missing ingredient for so many young men and women’s relationships.

We used to tell our kids’ friends (and their parents!) that our children were not old enough to be boyfriends or girlfriends.  They could only be friends until they grew up more.  (What IS it with parents trying to pair their kids up for life at the age of 9 or 10 or 12?  Yikes!)  If they learn how to be a good friend, then they are ready for learning about courtship and romance.  If they are pairing up at 12, what will they escalate to at 16?  Slow things down, for Pete's sake!

So, what does it take to be a good friend?  A friend knows you and likes you for who you are, not for what you can do for him.  They aren’t trying to make you into something you are not.  She is a good listener, able to have a give-and-take conversation, not dominating all your time together.  She shares her thoughts and ideas, but gives you time to express yours.  A friend likes many of the same things you do.  They value most of the same things you do.  They are honest without being rude about their feelings.  Their actions and their words match.  They do not gossip about you or about others. Mature friends are willing to work on disagreements and conflicts.  Good friends are not too busy to spend time with you, especially when you need them in a hard season.  (Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a) Of course, this is a growing, developing thing for young children.  They cannot expect their young friends to be fully-formed in these areas. Pick one area to work on with your family, then in 6 months, tackle another.  Talk to them about what they like in their friends.  Draw them out about their friendships.  Teach them how to choose good friends.

I love to buy candy hearts for our kids.  My husband takes our single daughter out on a date, so she will not feel forlorn in this season.  I buy a little box of chocolates for my husband.  Some families put loving notes in lunch boxes for their kids.  This is a wonderful time to do something special for that single parent friend as well.  Enjoy this season and spread your love around! 

For more parenting help go to www.IntentionalParenting.us or consider my book, Intentional Parenting: A Guide for Christian Parents.  There is also a Small Group guide with discussion questions for couples or groups.

Tuesday, January 9, 2018


One of the traits for this month from our Intentional Parenting list is “initiative.”   Great trait, but how do you teach that? 

First of all, initiative means being the one to take the first step or action; starting something without being told to do so; being the one to see what needs to be done, then starting so others may follow. This is not the same as being a natural helper.  It goes farther than that. 

You remember the old saying, “Some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, and some people wonder what happened.”  People who take initiative are “self-starters,” a trait valued in business and the work force.  They have self-discipline and are motivated internally.  Again, some of these traits are built into people naturally through their personality type, but there are ways to train it in as well.

Is Initiative in the Bible?

One of my favorite stories in the Old Testament is the story of Jonathan and his armor-bearer in 1 Samuel 14.  The land is at war, and Jonathan says, let’s go confront the enemy.  No one knows they are doing it.  Jonathan comes up with a plan, and the armor-bearer says, let’s go – I am right behind you!  (If you research the location, it was crazy-difficult!  Check out this picture!)  They kill about 20 people in a half-acre space, then God sends terror on the enemy and they all turn and flee.  Jonathan’s initiative and God’s response turns the tide in an ugly situation.  Israel wins a miraculous, God-given victory, but it starts with Jonathan’s initiative.

Of course, in the New Testament we see God’s initiative in reaching out to love us before we knew him when he sent Jesus to die for us. (Ro. 5:8) This, by the way, is the pattern for courtship and marriage:  young men should initiate dating / courtship and girls can choose whether the young man is the match and has the qualifications they want.  Girls should not do the pursuing.

This past fall, we celebrated the 500th anniversary of Martin Luther’s posting the 95 Theses on the door of Wittenberg church.  What initiative!  His bravery and speaking out changed the known world and the church forever.

Nagging or Initiative?

Consider how things get done in your home.  How much of it requires you to tell others what needs to be done?  Are you telling the kids everything to do?  Do you remind (or nag) them about their chores?  About hygiene tasks?  Isn’t that wearing?  Does that set them up for success as adults?  Go beyond developing habits, to teaching kids to think and choose well in life.  Once trained, they need to take initiative with daily tasks.

For little ones, we had helping hand jobs, with pictures posted on a hand drawing (wash face, brush teeth, make bed, pick up toys, pick up clothes).  I could just say, are your helping hand jobs done?  For older kids we had chore charts which rotated each week.  (They had already learned “helping hand jobs.”)  But rather than ask when they were done, we set up rewards with a point system.  For example, if their chores were done before 9 AM when we were going to start homeschooling, they got a point.  And there were consequences if your chores did not get done.  For example, when the new week came and the person who had inherited backyard pooper scooper chore found that the person had not done it well the week before, the violator would find themselves doing the chore for another week. (More practice needed apparently!)  Of course I inspected things at the end of each week. (Children don’t do what you expect, but what you inspect.)

With homeschooling, I set their schoolwork up for the week on a chart.  Items they needed to do with me were highlighted in yellow.  They were to ask for my help after I was done with reading class for the younger kids, my first task.  Things could be X-ed off the chart as they were completed.  If they got done by 2 PM, they got points.  If they were done by noon Friday with the whole week’s work (and, of course, I checked it!) they got extra points.  If they were done by the end of the day Thursday, all 5 days’ work counted as such, but they got a day off to play or do what they wanted to.  On the downside, if they dawdled, I was not available to help them with schoolwork after 3 PM.  I had other things I needed to do.  That math or spelling test would have to wait until the next day.  They could drag out their schoolwork until 5 or 6 PM if they wanted to, but they would be the one who suffered.  It didn’t take long to learn to manage their workflow and have time for reading, jumping on the trampoline, or playing Legos.

At the end of the week, they could use their points to buy items from a treasure chest.  It contained goodies from the dollar store, candy, and certificates for picking out a movie, going on an extra date with Dad (ice cream or McDonald’s) or have a friend over.  Warning: be sure to figure out how many points your kids can earn in a week and decide how much you can afford for those points to be worth.  When I first started this, I created points for so many things, we could not have kept up with the cost of the rewards.  I had to scale back on what we gave points for and how many points it took to get things from the treasure chest.  And our kids learned to save up their points and use them judiciously.

Another by-product you will have to explain to your children is that results and rewards are not equal.  The person who take initiative earns more.  Not everything has a material reward, but in life those with initiative have a leg up.  You can provide equal opportunities, but not guarantee equal results.  THAT is a real-life lesson!

Initiative in Good Works

Be sure to notice when kids initiate good actions or events.  If one chooses to help an elderly person, compliment the child in front of the rest of the family later.  If she helps clean up after an event at church, thank her especially if they just noticed the need and dove in without being asked.

You might want to have an extra chore/job or two in the back of your mind in case a child asks you if there is anything they can help with.  If a child jumps in and helps with something you are doing, be sure to say, “Thank you for noticing I needed some help.”

Point out when someone else is taking initiative and explain it to your kids.  Talk about noticing people’s needs and about thinking ahead about what needs to be done.  Talk about how ministries and nonprofit organizations get started through the heart and vision of a leader.  You might even want to plan a “Family Initiative” project.  Get together as a family to brainstorm about something you could do together to help someone or to raise money for a worthy cause.  Talk to kids about needs you notice around you.

Initiative in Life Skills

One of the things I love about the Boy Scouts is their many opportunities to learn while earning merit badges.  Young scouts get to choose a topic to work on.  Sometimes the troop will offer classes or opportunities to earn a badge. 

Take a look at the life skills list in Chapter 17 of Intentional Parenting: A Guide for Christian Families.  Let your teens pick a skill to work on.  Discuss it with them and help them develop a plan to learn that skill.  It might mean they need to contact a family friend to see if they can shadow them at work.  Or you might have to schedule extra time to help them learn to use the city bus system.  Letting them choose and move forward prepares them for real life in the real world.  And it’s safer to be learning that while you are handy to help if needed.

Initiative in Earning Money

Letting kids take initiative to earn money to buy something they want is a great lesson.  I remember my sisters making and selling peanut brittle to go to youth camp.  They became known for it and it became an income stream for them until they were old enough to get regular jobs.  Recently, a young man who was about 12 knocked on my front door.  He had a lawn mower and perceived that my lawn needed attention.  He would charge me $40 to do the front and the back.  Was I interested?  I was a little bowled-over, actually.  Such a rare thing to see such brave action by one so young.  My husband was out-of-town, so how could I say no?!  I asked him what he was earning money for and he explained that he wanted a particular video game.  Hooray for parents who gave him opportunity to learn a life lesson, rather than just granting the wish. 

Sometimes we think we are doing the right thing by telling our kids what to do.  Take it to the next level by creating ways for them to learn initiative.  Blessings to you as you teach your children this valuable character trait!

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

Parenting Resolution

Happy New Year!  As I think about parenting resolutions for the year ahead, I believe one that would produce amazing fruit would be to resolve to take time to work together in unity as parents.

You know how it goes:  Junior asks Mom if he can stay up an extra half-hour.  Mom says, "No, tomorrow is a school day."  Junior quietly goes to the next room and asks Dad the same question.  Dad says, "Sure, I guess so."  Boom.  He got the answer he wanted.  Now Mom is upset with both Dad and Junior.

Kids will try to divide and conquer adults, even though the results might get them in trouble.  Kids don't necessarily think about what is wise or healthy.  They just want what they want.

Next time, Dad would be wise to ask, "Have you already asked your mother?  What did she say?"  When in doubt, Mom and Dad might want to confer with each other (behind closed doors for serious matters).  This give opportunity to come to agreement, the proceed with a united front when they come back to give Junior his answer.  My husband and I always told the kids, "Mom and Daddy always agree.  Even when we didn't.  We took a time out to discuss things in private, then presented only the unified answer to the kids.  Any disagreement was inside information, not for little ears.  Even in football, the referees confer before announcing a penalty.

What about consequences for a child who has successfully manipulated and pitted one against the other?  Consequences work best when they are related to the infraction.  For example in the case of getting to stay up later, a good consequence might be to have to go to bed 30 minutes earlier the next night or two.  The consequence needs to be heavy enough to make it not worthwhile to try this game in the future, but not so heavy as to break the relationship between parents and children.  A good consequence for weaseling out of chores would be extra work. (Tell the child, "You must need more practice!")

Secondly, be sure you are getting to the heart of the child with the consequence.  Don't focus only on the bad behavior, but discuss the deception the child tried to pull off.

And as an aside, be sure you are updating limits as kids get older.  Bedtime for a 12-year old should not be the same as for a 6-year old.  Be sure you are pulling back from controlling everything for teens.  (See chapter 13 in my book, Intentional Parenting, a Guide for Christian Families.
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Have a great 2018!  And may your parenting be more unified than ever!