Indecision

 One of the things I see with many parents these days is indecisiveness.  When Johnny wants to go outside, they say no.  Then as Johnny continues to whine and wheedle, Mom gives in and lets him go out.  When Suzie doesn’t eat her dinner, Dad says she may leave the table, but will get no dessert.  Later at dessert time, he gives in and allows her to have dessert.

I’m not sure if these parents are trying to show themselves as kind, but they are actually demonstrating weakness instead.  Children need a surefooted parent, a sense of stability.  Years ago I heard a quote from a single parent I remembered and tried to emulate:  “I hardly ever say no, but when I do, I NEVER change my mind.” 

How can parents do a better job of being decisive?  First, you must start by knowing when to say yes and when to say no.  What is the family standard?  What is the goal of your child training?  Is there a moral reason that would lead you to one decision or the other.  If so, be firm.  Don’t make a declaration unless you mean to stand by it.

Second, determine that there are other ways to demonstrate kindness.  Plan fun outings, show tenderness when a child is hurt or in need, be kind to animals, watch your tone of voice.  But when it is a discipline matter, you must be FIRM. 

If you are unsure of what answer to give in a situation, stall.  Tell your child that you must think about it a moment before giving her an answer.  Then when you decide, stick to your decision.  Change your mind only if you are given new information that changes your perspective.

James 1:5-8 (Amplified) says 5If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.6 Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind.7 For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord,8 [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides].

I believe that a vacillating parent actually is teaching their child how to be successful in manipulating.  For a boy, learning how to manipulate women can have devastating consequences in adult life.  For a girl, learning how to manipulate men has serious repercussions.  For anyone, manipulating authority and not expecting to ever be told a firm no can lead to narcissism (deep self-centeredness).  It can cause problems in keeping a job.  Narcissistic people can be self-centered enough to hurt others with no conscience.

By being firm and decisive, you are not being mean.  You are being wise.  You are presenting an example of authority that is worth following.  Decide carefully, then stick to your decision.

MINIMUM CLOTHING REQUIREMENTS

May 30, 2012

When our children were young I read about George Mueller, who had founded orphanages during the late 1800s.  His philosophy was to pray in everything they needed, and not to ask any person for money.  God provided the equivalent of about $12 ½ million (in today’s dollars) during that time.  He helped 2100 orphans over 50 years.

One of the things that Mueller did that spoke to me was to create a minimum clothing requirement for each child.  His list included 3 pairs of shoes for each child!  One would suppose that they might get along with as little as possible under the circumstances, but since the whole project was to be an exercise in faith, Mueller felt that a minimum level of provision and care should be set at a comfortable level.  Wow!  That challenged me!

So I decided that I, too, would set a minimum requirement for my kids.  I made a list of basic items for boys and one for girls.  This included church clothes and play clothes, socks, tennis shoes, church shoes, flip flops and snow boots.  The winter list had a coat for snowy weather and the summer list had a swimsuit and cover-up.  I kept the list and checked through the kids’ things about twice per year.  Any item not in good repair or outgrown was weeded out.  Only items nice enough to keep went to charity.   (I myself had received enough stuff that needed to be thrown away instead, and found it was depressing!)

First of all, I felt good about making sure my kids were ready for anything.  They felt taken care of.  Though money was tight, they didn’t usually even know it.  I also found that I had eliminated the need to go clothes shopping prior to taking our vacation.  Finances could then be focused on the vacation itself.

The second benefit of this list was that I knew what was needed for any given child when I was going to garage sales or sorting hand-me-downs.  I could choose to pass on items we had plenty of and zero in on what was really needed.  I was less likely to buy on impulse, and perhaps regret my purchase. 

These guidelines serve as a “max” idea as well.  If you are given a bag of clothing by your child’s just-larger cousin, you can say no to 13 T-shirts with fun logos on them.  Choose 4, and pass the rest on to someone else.  What a relief to be able to close that drawer in the dresser and not have stuff spilling out because it is so stuffed.

So try it!  Make your own list for yourself or your kids.  Consider what activities you need to be ready for.  (Work, camping, going to the gym, church, and so on.)  What does “enough” really look like?  Mary Poppins said, “Enough is as good as a feast.”  I think that applies to our dressers and closets as well as our appetites.

DISCRETION

Day by day we are given the opportunity to make choices that will add up to be the sum total of our character.  What we are when we are old is a collection of those choices we have made.  We become a distilled version of ourselves, of our choices as we near the end of our lives.

One aspect of our character comes from making choices toward discretion or simple-mindedness.  Proverbs 22:3 says, “The prudent man sees the evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished with suffering.”   One translation identifies the prudent man as a man of discretion.

Discretion[1] is:

a)     the freedom to decide what should be done in a particular situation

b)     cautious reserve in speech 

c)      prudence

d)     the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information

e)     the result of separating or distinguishing  (right from wrong, good from bad, beneficial from foolhardy, etc.)

The opposite would be not thinking before your speak; saying everything that goes through your mind; choosing the quick and convenient as opposed to the better though slower option.  Choosing to blindly trust someone we don’t know would be a lack of discretion.  Not being able to keep a confidence or being a gossip would also be a lack of discretion.

Proverbs 11:22 says a pretty woman without discretion is like a gold ring in the snout of a pig.  Wow!  How easy it is to find a foolish, silly and shallow woman these days.  Some act blindly, choosing foolishly, then wonder why things are going badly. 

But a woman with discretion – in speech, in personal management, in business affairs?  Those are rare indeed.  This kind of woman is beautiful and successful in a much deeper and lasting way.

We should always be seeking to grow in wisdom.  We can ponder what we know about people, and learn to observe human behavior and personalities in order to better understand what people are truly like.  We can think ahead, considering consequences before we step forward into commitments.

I like the idea of “savvy” women, women who think and then act accordingly.  In the course of directing your future, begin with your life today.  Choose wisely, think ahead, be a woman of discretion.

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[1] Free Merriam-Webster dictionary online.

PRACTICING THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD

Years ago I picked up a little book at the Christian bookstore for just a dollar.  It was called Practicing the Presence of the Lord by Brother Andrew.  It turned out to be a Christian classic that challenged me deeply.  This book is actually a collection of letters between two brothers in the Lord, one older and one younger in the faith.

Written in the 1300’s Brother Andrew discusses how to live in constant awareness of God’s presence.  We know scripturally that Jesus is with us always through the presence of the Holy Spirit, but how much are we really conscious of it personally?  I began to make it a goal to talk to the Lord throughout the day, to be aware of His nearness as much as possible.  It is SO much easier to walk in the flesh, thinking about ourselves than being aware of His Presence.  I enjoyed this growing walk, stretching myself in a new way.

Then recently, I picked this book up again.  I have to say I am better about being aware of God’s presence throughout my day than I was when I began this journey.  But this time I began to notice an expression Brother Andrew used about being aware of the exalted presence of God.  Wow!  I began to ponder my sense of the Holy Spirit’s presence as Comforter and Guide, but now I am trying to remind myself several times per day of God’s hugeness!  Thinking of Him on heaven’s throne, surrounded by angels, crying “Holy, Holy, Holy!”  This is a more exalted view than my friendly expressions like, “God, did you see that person cut me off just now?!  Of course, you did.  Silly question.”

I begin to realize how small my problems are in this fallen world; how silly some of the arguments are between people and nations in view of His eternal greatness.  I feel small compared to Him and His Universe.  Then I am amazed that He cares for us.  He chooses to.  Wow!  Join me as I begin a new stretch of the journey, seeking to walk on a higher plane.  J

THE NEED FOR RESPECT - Part 3

THE NEED FOR RESPECT – Part 3
What NOT to Respect

One of the harder things in our culture concerning respect is that we may be taught that everything should be respected – other religions, other people’s lifestyle choices that are harmful, etc.  That is not true.  One cannot live a discerning life and think that all things are equal.

First of all, other religions are not equal with Christianity.  Jesus gave his life for ours.  Nice teachings of other religions are hardly comparable.  God is large and in charge when it comes to faith matters, and He says that obeying Him brings blessing.  Disobeying Him brings curses.  (Deuteronomy 28, John 15-17)  Romans 10:9-10 say that we have life if we believe God allowed Jesus to be crucified and then raised Him from the dead.

And how about those lifestyle choices?  Teach your kids to be observers of results.  Life is all about cause and effect.  One example is the food choices we make (less fat, more fiber, a little exercise) and how they affect our quality of life as we get older.  Consider stories in the news about teens or adults who drink and drive.  While we feel compassion for those who make bad choices, we cannot demonstrate a respect for those choices.

Another thing NOT to respect is laziness.  A lifestyle of constant TV and video games will not have the same outcome as a life of hard work and / or community service.  One will tend to poverty and boredom; the other will be full of rewards and joy.

Speaking of media, we do not have to respect wrong opinions and lies.  All ideas do not give the same end result.  Whether it is national debt or religious freedom in other countries everyone has an opinion.  The end results of dictatorships, evil governments, and hatred will always be agony, deprivation, and sorrow.  Our government’s overspending will result in future hardships like inflation and diminishing economic output.

So while you consider what to respect, remember to compare your thinking to God’s thinking.  Find scriptures if you are not sure about what is right and what is wrong.  God is very vocal in the Bible about human behavior and choices.  He loves everyone, but he does not promise the same results for all life choices.  Be careful about what you respect.

           

THE NEED FOR RESPECT – Part 2

Continuing our discussion of what to respect…

#3  For other people God has made

Other people belong to God.  They are His creation, and they are precious to Him.  Whether we like them or not, whether they are like us or not, we are not to judge their value as any less than ours.  How can we judge someone as lesser without leaving behind a question that we might be lesser?

Several categories of people are given precedence in the scripture:

• The elderly – Leviticus 19:32 (also numerous places in Proverbs)
• The poor – Galatians 2:10, James 2:5, several of Jesus’ parables
• Widows & orphans – James 1:27

Children also need to be taught to be respectful toward their peers and siblings.  Sarcasm, cut-downs, and one-upmanship are not godly patterns.  They are tied to pride and selfishness.  While this means hard work for parents to train against the sin nature of childish humanity, the payoff is rich!

#4  The property of others

One of the basic things God addressed in Levitical law (Old Testament) was what was to happen if someone damaged the property of another.  Examples were given for when a man killed his neighbor’s cow.  The basic concept was the need to replace something that was damaged.  In present day terms this can be as simple as not throwing trash in someone else’s yard or in replacing a toy broken while visiting a friend.

The founders of the United States included basic tenets of ownership and respect for property in the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights.  Property ownership is part of the American Dream.

Even children have a sense of what is theirs, of what they have dominion over.  This is why parents must not ignore children’s requests for parental assistance when guests’ children abuse their belongings.  When we hosted a small group meeting in our home, we had separate toys that were put out during that time.  We did not require our children to share everything.  We respected that as their dominion, and allowed them to decide what they wanted to bring out or not. 

As adults, we share what we choose to share.  My husband and I have a rule that if we borrow something, we return it in as good or better shape.  What we lend, we must be willing to let it go if something happens to it.  We do not loan what we cannot afford to replace ourselves.     

This is golden rule and then some.  Not only do we “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”, but we do unto others as Jesus has done for us.

Next time – WHAT NOT TO RESPECT

           

THE NEED FOR RESPECT – Part 1

THE NEED FOR RESPECT – Part 1

What is your feeling when you hear this topic?  Roll your eyes and say, “Yeah!  THAT sure is lacking in our culture?”  Or, “Yeah, I’d like to get more respect!”  Whatever your feelings, you probably would have to agree that showing respect for others is something necessary to a good life, whether you are an adult or a child.

Parents who do not teach their children to be respectful are doing them no favors.  They may think they are raising independent thinkers, but those who do not know how to work under authority have serious problems all their lives.  They frequently struggle to hold a job.  They move from situation to situation rather than staying and working things out.   I have found that people who are perpetually needy or even homeless have this lack of respect for authority in common.

 
So what should we respect?  What does proper respect look like?

#1  Respect for parents and those in authority

Romans 13: 1-5 says we are to be subject to civil authorities.  These structures are put in place by God.  It says this proper alignment with authority structures is part of having a good conscience.

Parents must model this for children by showing respect for the authorities over them.  Bosses, police officers, and government officials can be the subject of complaints, gossip and even downright slander.  We can express our disagreement with policies of our President or Congress without being disrespectful.

 

I Peter 2:17 says “Show proper respect for everyone:  Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.”  This follows verse 16 which talks about living as free people.  Respect goes with freedom!

Children are to honor parents.  (See the Ten Commandments.)  Children are to obey parents.  (Ephesians 6:1)  If they do not learn to obey you, how will they ever obey God?  If they do not respect your authority, how will they respect and obey at school or work after they are grown.  Work on these patterns while they are young and moldable. 

This is not to say they should be mindless robots.  After they obey, it is good to discuss the reason “why” you asked them to do certain things.  Help them see how good it is for them to do what you ask.  Let them discuss things with you.  Do not ask older children for blind obedience.  Explain why, not by way of justifying your existence, but helping them think at higher levels.

Teach children that it is okay to question authority in a respectful manner.  Not to be confused with arguing with authority, they may ask for clarification on a matter.  If they have further information that has not come to light, they can bring that to the discussion.  But they must accept that in the end, the authority has the right to settle the matter with their decision.  Young children (under 8 or so) should obey first, and get explanations afterward.

Everyone is under someone’s authority.  There is no such thing as 100% independence.

#2  Respect for God’s creation

I’m not a tree hugger, but I do see our responsibility as stewards and viceroys of God’s creation to rule it, subdue it, and make it fruitful.  We cannot destroy the environment we live in and expect to live well in it.  None of us wants dirty water or barren polluted land to dwell in.

First, we should be grateful that God gave us a beautiful place to live.  Is. 45:18 talks about how God formed it  and did not create it to be a worthless waste.  We could be living on the moon!  Yikes!

That said, creation is meant to be enjoyed.  It is not meant to be preserved separate from human touch.  It is not sacred in itself.  It is not to be worshipped.  (Ro. 1:25)

As good stewards, we can leave it better for our children and our grandchildren than it was when we received it.

More on respect tomorrow...