Setting Boundaries and Limits

Imagine a ranch with no fences: its cattle wandering all over other ranches, being hit by passing trains, calves lost from their mothers.  This is what a family with no boundaries is like.  Then there is the ranch with the fences right up next to the house: no room to breathe, no room to graze, no room to run.  Somewhere in between is the healthy family – allowing kids room for expression and personal preference without permissiveness or lack of oversight.

How do you decide what boundaries are important?  Where do you start?

• Safety – Safety from danger (like traffic in front of the house) is a basic necessity.  Safety from potentially emotionally or physically dangerous situations (like allowing a child to visit a neighbor’s home you’ve not been in) is also a basic issue.  For little ones, playing in the backyard that is fenced is better than the front yard without a fence.  When friends come over, playroom doors remain open. For teens, parents should meet the kids they hang out with.  They should get acquainted with those they date.  (Hey, if they’re good enough to date, they're good enough for us to meet them, right?)  Don’t be afraid to limit time with friends who don’t seem to be good for them.

• Healthy eating – We required our kids to try everything we put before them.  They developed a taste for all kinds of interesting things.  We allowed some sweets, but not an unlimited amount.  Their friends who were allowed NO sweets seemed to go crazy when their moms were not watching.  Our kids learned to like all kinds of veggies and fruits.  They learned to listen to their bodies when they were full.  They tried amazing ethnic foods.  They also learned to cook and prepare a variety of things.  This is a GOOD LIFE!

• Curfews – Teens definitely need curfews.  Bars close at 2 AM, so kids should not be out on the streets when those folks are driving.  The later they are out, the more opportunity there is for bad things to happen.  We encouraged them to have their friends over to our house and provided playing cards and food to make that happen easily.  Have trouble getting them to come home on time?  I offered to make the curfew even earlier if they couldn’t manage the one they were given.  (11 PM on nights with school the next day, 12 AM on weekends.)  Of course this was open for adjustment if there was a special event.  And calling to say they were on the way when they should be home didn’t count.

• Responsibilities – Shared chores are just a part of being in a family.  Everyone has a part to play in what it takes to have a clean and healthy atmosphere.  We paid the kids for doing extra chores, but not for the everyday ones that were just their turn.  Then as they grew to be more and more responsible, they were given more authority and more freedom.  Expectations for a 5-year old and for a 15-year old are vastly different.  

• Words and attitudes – We all have to take responsibility for our tone and for our words.  In correcting one that was out of line, the child was given the opportunity to say it again in a better way.  ‘Nuff said – no lecture.  Hard things must sometimes be communicated, but it can be done with kind words.

• TV and video game time – It is very easy for this to get stretched all out of proportion to real life.  We found 1 ½ hours a day was plenty for TV and video game time.  To enforce this, we gave the kids 21 poker chips at the beginning of each week.  Each chip represented 30 minutes of TV or movies.  If they wanted to watch a two-hour movie, it took 4 tokens.  A three-hour football game took six. When they were out of tokens that was it for the rest of the week.  (Family time was exempt from the tokens requirement.)  Our children learned to use their time and resources wisely.

•  Awareness of priorities – children will not use their time wisely without guidance.  They will seldom do their homework before they go play.  They will not practice their musical instrument before playing that video game.  If you train this into them, you will be doing them a BIG favor for life!

While it may not seem like the most exciting part of parenting, setting healthy boundaries and limits are fundamental to helping kids feel secure and cared for.  It takes energy to teach a child these things, and then time to follow up and make sure they get done.  But whoever said being a great parent was easy?  Embrace the hard work of parenting!  Build those fences, Pardner!

Setting Boundaries and Limits

Imagine a ranch with no fences: its cattle wandering all over other ranches, being hit by passing trains, calves lost from their mothers.  This is what a family with no boundaries is like.  Then there is the ranch with the fences right up next to the house: no room to breathe, no room to graze, no room to run.  Somewhere in between is the healthy family – allowing kids room for expression and personal preference without permissiveness or lack of oversight.

How do you decide what boundaries are important?  Where do you start?

• Safety – Safety from danger (like traffic in front of the house) is a basic necessity.  Safety from potentially emotionally or physically dangerous situations (like allowing a child to visit a neighbor’s home you’ve not been in) is also a basic issue.  For little ones, playing in the backyard that is fenced is better than the front yard without a fence.  When friends come over, playroom doors remain open. For teens, parents should meet the kids they hang out with.  They should get acquainted with those they date.  (Hey, if they’re good enough to date, they're good enough for us to meet them, right?)  Don’t be afraid to limit time with friends who don’t seem to be good for them.

• Healthy eating – We required our kids to try everything we put before them.  They developed a taste for all kinds of interesting things.  We allowed some sweets, but not an unlimited amount.  Their friends who were allowed NO sweets seemed to go crazy when their moms were not watching.  Our kids learned to like all kinds of veggies and fruits.  They learned to listen to their bodies when they were full.  They tried amazing ethnic foods.  They also learned to cook and prepare a variety of things.  This is a GOOD LIFE!

• Curfews – Teens definitely need curfews.  Bars close at 2 AM, so kids should not be out on the streets when those folks are driving.  The later they are out, the more opportunity there is for bad things to happen.  We encouraged them to have their friends over to our house and provided playing cards and food to make that happen easily.  Have trouble getting them to come home on time?  I offered to make the curfew even earlier if they couldn’t manage the one they were given.  (11 PM on nights with school the next day, 12 AM on weekends.)  Of course this was open for adjustment if there was a special event.  And calling to say they were on the way when they should be home didn’t count.

• Responsibilities – Shared chores are just a part of being in a family.  Everyone has a part to play in what it takes to have a clean and healthy atmosphere.  We paid the kids for doing extra chores, but not for the everyday ones that were just their turn.  Then as they grew to be more and more responsible, they were given more authority and more freedom.  Expectations for a 5-year old and for a 15-year old are vastly different.  

• Words and attitudes – We all have to take responsibility for our tone and for our words.  In correcting one that was out of line, the child was given the opportunity to say it again in a better way.  ‘Nuff said – no lecture.  Hard things must sometimes be communicated, but it can be done with kind words.

• TV and video game time – It is very easy for this to get stretched all out of proportion to real life.  We found 1 ½ hours a day was plenty for TV and video game time.  To enforce this, we gave the kids 21 poker chips at the beginning of each week.  Each chip represented 30 minutes of TV or movies.  If they wanted to watch a two-hour movie, it took 4 tokens.  A three-hour football game took six. When they were out of tokens that was it for the rest of the week.  (Family time was exempt from the tokens requirement.)  Our children learned to use their time and resources wisely.

•  Awareness of priorities – children will not use their time wisely without guidance.  They will seldom do their homework before they go play.  They will not practice their musical instrument before playing that video game.  If you train this into them, you will be doing them a BIG favor for life!

While it may not seem like the most exciting part of parenting, setting healthy boundaries and limits are fundamental to helping kids feel secure and cared for.  It takes energy to teach a child these things, and then time to follow up and make sure they get done.  But whoever said being a great parent was easy?  Embrace the hard work of parenting!  Build those fences, Pardner!

PRAYER BOX – Part 2

 

Continuing with the cards going into the 3 X 5 card box we started a few days ago…  Now add these sections and cards.

 

• Daily section – my most urgent concerns.  I put this section in front of the numbered tabs.  With one card for each need, including my husband, a couple of friends with cancer surgeries and treatments, a friend who is going through divorce, my day’s appointments, and anyone I’ve told I’d pray for them this week.  (After that, I may mark that card “Wednesday” and pray for it once a week.)

 

• Friends – These cards have an orange stripe across the top.  I have an orange tab at the back of them for rotating them back.  I pray for two of these each day.  They include friends who’ve moved away, friends who are deployed, prodigal children of friends, and so on.  These are the people I want to pray for from time to time, but not every day.

• Missionaries and ministries – Thursday is my day to pray for missionaries and ministries such as the chaplains on our military bases.  I have picture cards for as many of them as possible.  I pray for their health and finances.  I pray for their effectiveness in ministry.  I pray for their families and marriages.  Then I rotate their cards to the next Thursday date.

 

• Our pastors – I pray for the staff of our church by name on Fridays.  I pray similarly to what I pray for missionaries, but also for the church’s direction and creative team.  Some of our staff are pregnant or have been sick.  This card is marked “Friday” in the top corner and I rotate it back to the next Friday date.

 

• My co-workers – people I work with, one or two per day.  These card have a green stripe across the top.  I have a green tab behind them for rotating them back.

To pray for something every 2 or 3 days, just put a 2 or 3 in the top corner, and rotate it accordingly after you pray for it.  Or if it is something you want to pray for occasionally, put 10-20-30 or 5-19 on it to pray for it on those days.  Each day, you will pull out a manageable set of cards to pray over.

 

(To be continued…)

PRAYER IN A BOX - Part 1

PRAYER IN A BOX – Part 1 

Note:  This may be uncomfortable to those of you who are “unstructured”.  If so, don’t worry about the system.  JUST PRAY! 

Years ago, when I was feeling guilty over my prayer life, the Lord gave me an idea for managing my prayer time.  I felt like there was much I was forgetting to pray for and in some cases I was only praying sporadically for very important things.  Then there were those people I’d said I’d pray for and forgot about afterward.  (No wonder I felt guilty!) 

So I got a 3 X 5 card box and some dividers.  I put tabs on cards for the days of the month, numbering them 1-31.  Then I began to put cards into each section for the following, layering in each category: 

• My children (and later their families) – I wrote their names and their needs on a card.  These got a pink highlighter stripe across the top.  I put a pink tab on another card.  I put two of my children’s cards in the first day, two more in the second day, and so on.  Then I put a pink tab in the day after these.  I would pray intently for them on the day their cards came up, then rotate them to the pink tabbed section and moving the tab back to the next day. 
• My extended family – I decided to pray for my siblings on Tuesdays.  These cards with their names and needs got a blue stripe.  They rotate back to the next Tuesday.  I put our parents on Wednesdays.  They also have a blue line across the top and “Tuesday” in the top corner.
• Big issues, including world affairs and current events – Modified from Dick Eastman’s Change the World School of Prayer*, these needs are on one card for each day of the week.  I pray for the following:

 

• Monday – world evangelism.  I pray for my personal friends who are on the mission field and for those who are involved in spreading the gospel throughout the world.
• For WORKERS – Mt. 9:38 – that they would be strengthened and faithful for the work
• For OPEN DOORS – Col. 4:2,3 – for all nations to allow the preaching of the gospel, especially Communistic & Muslim countries.
• For FRUIT that remains – 2 Thes. 3:1 – people to be saved and discipled who can then lead others to Christ
• For FINANCES for the work – Ro. 10:14, 15 – that workers would be encouraged, not slowed or disheartened by financial needs.
• Tuesday – my church. 
• For LEADERS WHO PRAY – Acts 6:4
• For SAINTS WHO SERVE – Gal. 6:2
• For PEOPLE WHO PRAISE – 1 Pet. 2:9
• Wednesday – world issues / current events
• For the counties involved in “The Arab Spring” and for religious liberty to come out of that. 
• That unjust or repressive leaders would be removed and replaced by those who favor religious freedom
• For natural disasters and national crises. 
• For the persecuted church. 
• For the nation of Israel.
• Thursday – for spiritual awakening / revival
• For HUMBLE REPENTANCE – 2 Chron. 7:14
• For HUNGRY DESPERATION – Jer. 29:13
• For HELPFUL GENEROSITY – Is. 58:10-12
• For HOLY UNITY – John 17:20-21
• Friday – my family – based on Luke 2:52
• SPIRITUALLY (in favor with God)
• SOCIALLY (in favor with man)
• MENTALLY (increasing in wisdom)
• PHYSICALLY (increasing in stature – good health)
• Saturday – political and civil leaders (Dan.2:19-22) – that they would realize their authority comes from God.  That they would be wise and judicious.  The foolish and ungodly leaders would be removed.
• National, state, and local office holders
• Legislation
• Judges
• Police & Fire
• Public services
• Sunday – myself
• That I will be “F.A.T.” – faithful, available & teachable
• That I will maintain integrity and purity
• For input that will cause spiritual and personal growth.  Sometimes this requires outside sources when the church is focused on new believers.  I pray the Lord would bring them into my path.
• My wishes and dreams

After I pray for these needs, I rotate the cards back to the next numbered day that matches the day of the week.

(To be continued...)

 

*You can find Dick Eastman’s prayer map at www.EveryHomeForChrist.com.

 

Indecision

 One of the things I see with many parents these days is indecisiveness.  When Johnny wants to go outside, they say no.  Then as Johnny continues to whine and wheedle, Mom gives in and lets him go out.  When Suzie doesn’t eat her dinner, Dad says she may leave the table, but will get no dessert.  Later at dessert time, he gives in and allows her to have dessert.

I’m not sure if these parents are trying to show themselves as kind, but they are actually demonstrating weakness instead.  Children need a surefooted parent, a sense of stability.  Years ago I heard a quote from a single parent I remembered and tried to emulate:  “I hardly ever say no, but when I do, I NEVER change my mind.” 

How can parents do a better job of being decisive?  First, you must start by knowing when to say yes and when to say no.  What is the family standard?  What is the goal of your child training?  Is there a moral reason that would lead you to one decision or the other.  If so, be firm.  Don’t make a declaration unless you mean to stand by it.

Second, determine that there are other ways to demonstrate kindness.  Plan fun outings, show tenderness when a child is hurt or in need, be kind to animals, watch your tone of voice.  But when it is a discipline matter, you must be FIRM. 

If you are unsure of what answer to give in a situation, stall.  Tell your child that you must think about it a moment before giving her an answer.  Then when you decide, stick to your decision.  Change your mind only if you are given new information that changes your perspective.

James 1:5-8 (Amplified) says 5If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly, without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given him.6 Only it must be in faith that he asks with no wavering (no hesitating, no doubting). For the one who wavers (hesitates, doubts) is like the billowing surge out at sea that is blown hither and thither and tossed by the wind.7 For truly, let not such a person imagine that he will receive anything [he asks for] from the Lord,8 [For being as he is] a man of two minds (hesitating, dubious, irresolute), [he is] unstable and unreliable and uncertain about everything [he thinks, feels, decides].

I believe that a vacillating parent actually is teaching their child how to be successful in manipulating.  For a boy, learning how to manipulate women can have devastating consequences in adult life.  For a girl, learning how to manipulate men has serious repercussions.  For anyone, manipulating authority and not expecting to ever be told a firm no can lead to narcissism (deep self-centeredness).  It can cause problems in keeping a job.  Narcissistic people can be self-centered enough to hurt others with no conscience.

By being firm and decisive, you are not being mean.  You are being wise.  You are presenting an example of authority that is worth following.  Decide carefully, then stick to your decision.

MINIMUM CLOTHING REQUIREMENTS

May 30, 2012

When our children were young I read about George Mueller, who had founded orphanages during the late 1800s.  His philosophy was to pray in everything they needed, and not to ask any person for money.  God provided the equivalent of about $12 ½ million (in today’s dollars) during that time.  He helped 2100 orphans over 50 years.

One of the things that Mueller did that spoke to me was to create a minimum clothing requirement for each child.  His list included 3 pairs of shoes for each child!  One would suppose that they might get along with as little as possible under the circumstances, but since the whole project was to be an exercise in faith, Mueller felt that a minimum level of provision and care should be set at a comfortable level.  Wow!  That challenged me!

So I decided that I, too, would set a minimum requirement for my kids.  I made a list of basic items for boys and one for girls.  This included church clothes and play clothes, socks, tennis shoes, church shoes, flip flops and snow boots.  The winter list had a coat for snowy weather and the summer list had a swimsuit and cover-up.  I kept the list and checked through the kids’ things about twice per year.  Any item not in good repair or outgrown was weeded out.  Only items nice enough to keep went to charity.   (I myself had received enough stuff that needed to be thrown away instead, and found it was depressing!)

First of all, I felt good about making sure my kids were ready for anything.  They felt taken care of.  Though money was tight, they didn’t usually even know it.  I also found that I had eliminated the need to go clothes shopping prior to taking our vacation.  Finances could then be focused on the vacation itself.

The second benefit of this list was that I knew what was needed for any given child when I was going to garage sales or sorting hand-me-downs.  I could choose to pass on items we had plenty of and zero in on what was really needed.  I was less likely to buy on impulse, and perhaps regret my purchase. 

These guidelines serve as a “max” idea as well.  If you are given a bag of clothing by your child’s just-larger cousin, you can say no to 13 T-shirts with fun logos on them.  Choose 4, and pass the rest on to someone else.  What a relief to be able to close that drawer in the dresser and not have stuff spilling out because it is so stuffed.

So try it!  Make your own list for yourself or your kids.  Consider what activities you need to be ready for.  (Work, camping, going to the gym, church, and so on.)  What does “enough” really look like?  Mary Poppins said, “Enough is as good as a feast.”  I think that applies to our dressers and closets as well as our appetites.

DISCRETION

Day by day we are given the opportunity to make choices that will add up to be the sum total of our character.  What we are when we are old is a collection of those choices we have made.  We become a distilled version of ourselves, of our choices as we near the end of our lives.

One aspect of our character comes from making choices toward discretion or simple-mindedness.  Proverbs 22:3 says, “The prudent man sees the evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished with suffering.”   One translation identifies the prudent man as a man of discretion.

Discretion[1] is:

a)     the freedom to decide what should be done in a particular situation

b)     cautious reserve in speech 

c)      prudence

d)     the quality of behaving or speaking in such a way as to avoid causing offense or revealing private information

e)     the result of separating or distinguishing  (right from wrong, good from bad, beneficial from foolhardy, etc.)

The opposite would be not thinking before your speak; saying everything that goes through your mind; choosing the quick and convenient as opposed to the better though slower option.  Choosing to blindly trust someone we don’t know would be a lack of discretion.  Not being able to keep a confidence or being a gossip would also be a lack of discretion.

Proverbs 11:22 says a pretty woman without discretion is like a gold ring in the snout of a pig.  Wow!  How easy it is to find a foolish, silly and shallow woman these days.  Some act blindly, choosing foolishly, then wonder why things are going badly. 

But a woman with discretion – in speech, in personal management, in business affairs?  Those are rare indeed.  This kind of woman is beautiful and successful in a much deeper and lasting way.

We should always be seeking to grow in wisdom.  We can ponder what we know about people, and learn to observe human behavior and personalities in order to better understand what people are truly like.  We can think ahead, considering consequences before we step forward into commitments.

I like the idea of “savvy” women, women who think and then act accordingly.  In the course of directing your future, begin with your life today.  Choose wisely, think ahead, be a woman of discretion.

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[1] Free Merriam-Webster dictionary online.